Meeting New People

Want to make new friends but feel shy around strangers? You are not alone. This article discusses handy hints to conquer the nerves and begin socializing.

One of my goals this year is to make more friends. I am often shy around strangers and unsure of how to initiate conversation. This isn’t helped by the fact that I am blind and therefore cannot see the person’s face.

To overcome my uncertainty, I have found it helpful to imagine the person I am talking to is an old friend. When I feel relaxed, I find it easier to be myself. I have learnt over the years, that one of the biggest mistakes is to orchestrate personality. If we tailor our persona to our audience, then people will find it difficult to get to know our true self. We may appear to be insincere or wishy-washy.

The concept of the self
According to Carl Rogers, the concept of the self is “the organized set of characteristics that the individual perceives as peculiar to himself/herself”. (Ryckmann, R.M. 1993, Theories of personality (5th Ed.) California: Brooks/Cole Publishing Co. p. 106) Rogers believes that our self-concept influences how we perceive ourselves and our environment. We have a healthy sense of self, if it coincides with our experiences, thoughts and behavior. Conversely, when we convey a self-concept that contradicts our true feelings - just to be accepted by others, we are repressing our true selves. This may lead to low self esteem, anxiety and confusion, as we do not consider our true self to be “good enough”.
Limiting our potential
Carl Rogers uses the term "incongruence" to describe the chasm between our “perceived self” and our “true self”. This inconsistency often causes considerable anxiety and can even lead to mental illness. It therefore limits our ability to reach self-fulfillment and achieve our dreams.

I have struggled with self-identity throughout my life. Self-discovery is an ongoing journey of trying to distinguish between who I actually am, who I want to be and the person that others see. As a teenager, I experienced significant anxiety and felt distant from my real self. These days, however, I feel much more at peace with myself. I do experience a degree of anxiety at times but, overall, I feel much happier within myself. I am showing others the real me, warts and all!

Conquering the nerves
For some of us, socializing among strangers is not always easy. A person once told me, that when you are talking to someone you don’t know, focus not on how self-conscious you feel, but, rather, on the happiness you experience when you have broadened your friendship circle. I believe this to be good advice and something I try to remind myself of, when I am in those situations. People often do not care as much as we may think, about the way we speak, how we dress, or what we say. At the end of the day, we are all human and life is not a dress rehearsal!

Showing interest in others
Most of us, at one time, have been unlucky enough to be seated next to a person, who seems only interested in him or herself! They conduct a monologue, during which all that they require us to do is nod occasionally and utter some phrases of agreement. I believe that limiting our conversation to ourselves is not an effective way to make friends. Instead, we should try to be sincerely interested in what the other is saying and genuinely interact with them.

We can convey interest by asking questions in a non-invasive manner. It is a good idea if we ask questions that interest us, that help us to find out more about the other and that require more than a "yes" or "no" response.

If sighted, we should try to convey interest in the other, by looking the person in the eye. If we are blind, we should try to turn our head to look in the direction of the speaker. We should try to listen to what the other is saying and respond to it if we can.

Body language
Reading body language is important in communication. It can help us interact with others in a more meaningful way and assist in avoiding misunderstanding. Additionally, interpreting body language can increase our dating and friendship prospects.

When interacting with someone, try to pick up subtle signals. How are they standing? What tone of voice are they using? What facial expression are they wearing?

For a blind person, reading non-verbal signals can be more difficult, but not impossible. We need to pay more attention to how the person speaks, where their voice is coming from, and any additional sounds that may indicate what mood they are in. If the person you are conversing with, for example, is fiddling, averting their face, or sounding vague, then maybe we are getting a bit boring! When we are able to discern a person’s subtleties, we have more of an understanding regarding the subjects that interest them and what type of questions to ask.

Open body language
Conveying openness is important when making friends. Some ways we can make ourselves more approachable include:

· putting our arms by our sides, rather than crossing them,

· facing our palms outward,

· stretching out our legs without crossing them,

· having our elbows away from our body,

· leaning forward to show our interest,

· maintaining a straight posture.

Finding common ground
When conversing with a stranger, we should try to identify common ground. This can be very difficult sometimes, particularly when we are barely acquainted with them. If we try to be fully engaged in the conversation and use all our senses, then, hopefully, we shall soon discover a topic we both find interesting.

Developing new friendships can help us to become a happier, more outgoing and well-rounded person. I have found that meeting new people requires venturing out of my comfort zone. This step can be challenging at times - and even nerve wracking! Making the effort, however, is usually very worthwhile.